remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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