I faked an abortion last night.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
