I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
