There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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