I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
