I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
