dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
