I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
