so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
