Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
