He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
