Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
