i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
