I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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