after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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