we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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