My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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