I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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