I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
