hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
