so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
