i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
