i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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