I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
