please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
