Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
