I can text with my tongue
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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