So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
