Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
