Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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