If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
