every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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