Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
