does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize