I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
