you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
