I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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