you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
