my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
