that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
