I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
