I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
