My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Less talking, more tequila
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
