I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
