He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
