Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize