My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
