WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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