remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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