he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The air was thick with penises
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
