Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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