We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
