Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize