I can text with my tongue
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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