He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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