I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize
