8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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