Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
All the doctor said was why
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
