I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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