I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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