The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
