just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
